The Tale of the Roller Shoes

Ok, remember back in like the fourth grade when these babies were mega popular?

Remember Heelies? Or whatever they were called? Ok, so my super rad fourth grade self wanted a pair. So me and my best friend saved our money and went and bought matching roller shoes! Awesome right? Wrong. For the life of me, I could NOT do it. I would try and like cock my head back, lean back and try and get my heelie on. Really it was a joke.

So one fabulous saturday afternoon, my great little friend and I decided to go see a movie. So on came our roller shoes, and we were out the door. (Now my roller shoes were awesome because you could take out the wheels when you wanted to just walk, and then when you wanted to skate, you just strapped that lil puppy on, and away you went). So we get to the movie theatre and I decided I would put my wheels on and have a go at it. Well, my stupid fourth grade self apparently forgot that movie theatre rooms are slanted. So we step inside the theatre, and the movie had already started. It was pitch black, and the only seats left were the very front row. So in my head i'm thinking "sweet! I will just skate on down to my seat and all will be well!" HA. Good one Janie. As I start heading to my seat, I start gaining crazy momentum and obviously can't stop. I am literally zooming down the aisle, screaming for somebody to stop me! Well, you guessed it, I SLAMMED into the movie screen and fly onto the floor. (ok, you know in the movies when somebody falls or something, and the whole audience grimaces and says, "ouch." Ok, that totally happened to me.) So now the audience has been disrupted by some retarded heely girl who obviously needs some major evaluating. 

Despite the embarassment, I stood up and tried to "skate" back to my seat. mmmmm nope. I fell again and again and again. Finally, I got on my hands and knees and literally crawled to my seat.

And wanna know the best part? There was a whole row of boys sitting behind me and the WHOLE rest of the movie, I was known as the "stupid skater". Awesome.

So, if I could go back and give my fourth grade self some advice it would be this: 

1. DO NOT buy roller shoes

and

2. Punch the zitty faced ten year old who sat behind you at the movies. He could use some shutting up.

Ok, Ok, Just One More List...

Ok, so I know the last time I posted, I wrote myself a little list. Well, despite my dislike for these little bad boys, I am going to write just one more. You see, there are a few things one should never do. And I, as a well rehearsed geek, feel I should inform you of these. So listen up folks...I'm about to let you in on some life-lessons here:

TOP 5 THINGS ONE SHOULD NEVER DO:

1.  NEVER eat one of the most coveted Fiber one bars. You see, these little babies seem quite luring, yes? They taste absolutely magnificent, and are on the healthier side of the snack world. But, these lil devils carry a deep and dark secret. Wanna jump on the fart train? eat one of these! Serious. They might as well be called Farter one bars. DEADLY I tell you. enough said.

2. NEVER say hello to random strangers. You see, I was feeling rather chipper the other day and decided I would give a little wave to the kind stranger to my left. So, with a happy-go-lucky attitude, I pulled a nice cheeser, and doted a kind wave to the person next me....come to find out this "person" was not a person at all. This was a statue. So not only have I waved to an inanimate object, I have fully embarrassed myself in front of a few fellow students. Awesome.

3. NEVER become a mad Beiber follower. This boy is on my mind ALL THE TIME. Just a tad bit embarrassing. Honestly I listen to his music 24/7 and dream of our life together...that is when he graduates kindergarten. How about I just become his babysitter? We will fall in love and live happily ever after. Screw Selena Gomez.

4. NEVER send a text that says, "I want you so bad right now". You see, this little message was supposed to go to one of my close girl friends as a funny little inside joke..well...you see, this scandalous little message got sent to the wrong person. mmmhmm. I don't think I have ever wanted the texting gods to erase such a message so badly. Lets just say somebody got a fun little text from me last night.

5. NEVER scream Titantic's ever so lovely, "My heart will go on" at one-o-clock in the morning on a friday night. Your next door neighbors will come knock on your door and tell you to be quite because they are trying to sleep..um...scratch that. DO sing "My heart will go on" at one-o-clock in the morning on a friday night. No normal human being is asleep that early on a weekend, let alone a college student. Release your inner Celion Dion's and belt that baby out!

Confessions 101

1. I tried to brake my arm in elementary school cause I wanted presents
2. I HATE licorice. the smell, the look, the taste. That stuff is the devils candy
3. I am never not wearing lip gloss. Sad? psh no.
4. I once ran over my neighbors chicken. There were feathers on the tires for weeks
5. I once told a boy in my kindergarten class that my poop was made out of gold. He believed me
6. I couldn't wait until I had boobs....and now..I think all that wishful thinking made my boobs never stop growing. crap.
7. I always wanted a brother. But then I realized that boys had different "parts" then us girls do. Ya, that ended real quick.
8. I used to pretend that the water droplets on the window were pioneers crossing the plain
9. I own way to many clothes yet I can never find anything to wear
10. I am OBSESSED with black men. Can't get enough of the chocolate folk
11. When I meet a boy, I sometimes put his last name against mine and see if it sounds cute. If not, I pass.
12. I am terrified of love
13. I have a hard time telling people no.
14. I love feeling sun burnt. Something about it makes me feel happy
15. Boys really intimidate me
16. My biggest wish is to be on SNL
17. I adore cats. Especially the fat ones
18. I wet my pants way to often...I think its getting a little ridiculous
19. I have the worlds most amazing family. so cliche yet SO very true
20. I love myself a good burger
21. when i dream, I am not myself. I watch my body do things. Its kind of interesting
22. I hate the name Garret. Gag me.
23. People always think i'm married with kids. Do I look like im 30? Idiots.
24. Sometimes i think Santa is real
25. I have a thing for one of my best friends. (he's a boy. I'm not a lesbian...just to clear that up)
26. I love to sing LOUDly in the car. People give me weird looks, but hey, they do it too.
27. Sometimes I wish I were brunette. Blondes do not have more fun
28. So ya know that part in Juno when that girl gives Juno the stink eye and bleeker says she can't help it cause her face is just like that? ya...I think mine is too.
29. I love the smell of oranges but hate the taste
30. I have way to many confessions...

Not a Happy Camper

WARNING: This post is not very embarrassing/funny/worth reading. I just need to rant. Ok?

Ok, so lately I have been feeling grumpy, moody and just different. So I have come up with some reasons as to why this might be.

Reason one: I'm weird. This is sometimes a good thing, but when it comes to meeting new friends, this may just effect my abilities to do so. (See picture below)....enough said.

 Reason two: I miss my friends. Ok, so I know the whole mission thing is good, but sometimes I just miss my amigos. Life just isn't the same without them.

Reason Three: My hair looks like this (see below). I don't know what the deal is, but Logan does something to it. I guess I could just rock the "I look like I have been electrocuted" thang, but then again...some people need a little bit a normal.

All I know is.....when all else fails and you can't seem to find your happy......just look at this sucker

Mmmhmmm. Thats one disgustingly hilarious child. 

Ice Ice Baby

Well folks, its been a crazy few weeks and there has been one memory plaguing my mind these past few days. Wanna hear? Well listen up cause i'm about to spill it...

So my high school's hockey team is, for a lack of a better word, "the shizzz"So, it was nearing the end of my senior year and our hockey team had made it to the championship. We had just won the game (it was just semi-finals then), and with our spirits high, and our cockiness even higher, we made our way out of the building to depart home. So as you guessed, when something is over, everyone and i mean EVERYONE leaves the building at one time and the parking lot is chuck full of eager people to leave. Well, as soon as I stepped outside I could tell it was icy so I tried to walk real lightly..ya nope. In a matter of about two seconds I flung into the air, feet/legs above me and face planted it onto the concrete. Ok, kinda embarassing right? ya, well lucky for me it gets worse. Not only have I face planted it in front of the man of my dreams, but I have flashed everyone and their dog as well. (my pants were a little loose, so low and behold my good ole' coin slot was showing for the whole world to see) AND my hat flew off exposing my nastyness hat hair. Well ladies and gents, this is not the only time I have fallen in front of the whole senior class, no this was just the opener for the season finale. On the senior panaramic picture day, I hit concrete AGAIN. and wanna know the best part? It wasn't icy, snowy, or rainy. Naw, it was just my damn shoes. Ya, thats what. And for the rest of the day I was told, "Hey I saw you fall earlier. That was super funny." mmhmmm SO funny. Jerk.

At least I didn't like shart my pants or somethin.

Put me into a home

Well instead of treating you to a fun little story I decided I would let you lay your pretty little eyes on these babies. Today we are going to play, "spot the wack job" (aka: ME) Seriously, can I just look normal once? um...no. 

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THESE LOVELIES. 

Look who's handi-cappin in the back seat?

I was interpretive dancing...but still..pray for me.

There are no words for this beast.

Um....looks like I popped a few to many. No?

Can you spot me? If you can't, it's better you didn't anyways.

And here is the grand daddy of all hideous photos. Look at me go! Whoa baby am I a fine peice of a$$. Nothin says "tap me" like a sideways baseball cap.

Sorry If I scarred you for life, what can I say? I take myself a F.I.N.E photo.

Snow day blues

Wazzup crazed blog stockers! Its Thursday evening, and instead of doing some good ole' homeworko, i'm here, about to give you your daily fill of giggles. Here's one for your eyes and ears:

It was a Wintery, Monday evening and I had just left for home after a grand play date with my greatest pal, kylee. Despite the warning signs from my overactive blatter, I decided I would just wait until I got home to go wee wee. Well, about two seconds into my walk home, I realized, by goolly, I have to pee SOOOOO bad. So now my lovely walk home turned into, Squeeze your legs together oober tightly and jog/run home.
Now you must know that in order for me to reach  my house, I must pass through my back-yard gate and run down my hill, in which then, I will reach my toilet. shweet. Alright guys, here is where my life ends...Right as I pass through my gate I fail to remember that when snow falls, the ground becomes muddy and slippery. So, with "toilet" on my mind, I begin running down my hill with all my might...and...SHABAM! I fly into the air and slam into the ground on my back (I have just slipped on the mud and fallen to my bitter end). Whelp, as i lay there, mud completely covering my body, my poor bladder can not hold any longer, and yes, I pee myself silly. Now, not only am I covered in freezing cold mud, I have now soiled myself. So obviously I start balling my eyes out.
(side note: who wets themselves at seventeen? ME. I think the "Depends" shopping will start a few years earlier.)
I layed there for a good ten minutes, just soaking up my tears, pee, and mud before realizing that I should probably go inside.
Lesson learned? My clencher is broken (aka, that thing that is supposed to help you "hold" your pee.)
Lovely.