The Tale of the Roller Shoes

Ok, remember back in like the fourth grade when these babies were mega popular?

Remember Heelies? Or whatever they were called? Ok, so my super rad fourth grade self wanted a pair. So me and my best friend saved our money and went and bought matching roller shoes! Awesome right? Wrong. For the life of me, I could NOT do it. I would try and like cock my head back, lean back and try and get my heelie on. Really it was a joke.

So one fabulous saturday afternoon, my great little friend and I decided to go see a movie. So on came our roller shoes, and we were out the door. (Now my roller shoes were awesome because you could take out the wheels when you wanted to just walk, and then when you wanted to skate, you just strapped that lil puppy on, and away you went). So we get to the movie theatre and I decided I would put my wheels on and have a go at it. Well, my stupid fourth grade self apparently forgot that movie theatre rooms are slanted. So we step inside the theatre, and the movie had already started. It was pitch black, and the only seats left were the very front row. So in my head i'm thinking "sweet! I will just skate on down to my seat and all will be well!" HA. Good one Janie. As I start heading to my seat, I start gaining crazy momentum and obviously can't stop. I am literally zooming down the aisle, screaming for somebody to stop me! Well, you guessed it, I SLAMMED into the movie screen and fly onto the floor. (ok, you know in the movies when somebody falls or something, and the whole audience grimaces and says, "ouch." Ok, that totally happened to me.) So now the audience has been disrupted by some retarded heely girl who obviously needs some major evaluating. 

Despite the embarassment, I stood up and tried to "skate" back to my seat. mmmmm nope. I fell again and again and again. Finally, I got on my hands and knees and literally crawled to my seat.

And wanna know the best part? There was a whole row of boys sitting behind me and the WHOLE rest of the movie, I was known as the "stupid skater". Awesome.

So, if I could go back and give my fourth grade self some advice it would be this: 

1. DO NOT buy roller shoes

and

2. Punch the zitty faced ten year old who sat behind you at the movies. He could use some shutting up.

Ok, Ok, Just One More List...

Ok, so I know the last time I posted, I wrote myself a little list. Well, despite my dislike for these little bad boys, I am going to write just one more. You see, there are a few things one should never do. And I, as a well rehearsed geek, feel I should inform you of these. So listen up folks...I'm about to let you in on some life-lessons here:

TOP 5 THINGS ONE SHOULD NEVER DO:

1.  NEVER eat one of the most coveted Fiber one bars. You see, these little babies seem quite luring, yes? They taste absolutely magnificent, and are on the healthier side of the snack world. But, these lil devils carry a deep and dark secret. Wanna jump on the fart train? eat one of these! Serious. They might as well be called Farter one bars. DEADLY I tell you. enough said.

2. NEVER say hello to random strangers. You see, I was feeling rather chipper the other day and decided I would give a little wave to the kind stranger to my left. So, with a happy-go-lucky attitude, I pulled a nice cheeser, and doted a kind wave to the person next me....come to find out this "person" was not a person at all. This was a statue. So not only have I waved to an inanimate object, I have fully embarrassed myself in front of a few fellow students. Awesome.

3. NEVER become a mad Beiber follower. This boy is on my mind ALL THE TIME. Just a tad bit embarrassing. Honestly I listen to his music 24/7 and dream of our life together...that is when he graduates kindergarten. How about I just become his babysitter? We will fall in love and live happily ever after. Screw Selena Gomez.

4. NEVER send a text that says, "I want you so bad right now". You see, this little message was supposed to go to one of my close girl friends as a funny little inside joke..well...you see, this scandalous little message got sent to the wrong person. mmmhmm. I don't think I have ever wanted the texting gods to erase such a message so badly. Lets just say somebody got a fun little text from me last night.

5. NEVER scream Titantic's ever so lovely, "My heart will go on" at one-o-clock in the morning on a friday night. Your next door neighbors will come knock on your door and tell you to be quite because they are trying to sleep..um...scratch that. DO sing "My heart will go on" at one-o-clock in the morning on a friday night. No normal human being is asleep that early on a weekend, let alone a college student. Release your inner Celion Dion's and belt that baby out!